On ambitions and the disappointment that follows

When I first contemplated taking up translation as profession, I had ambitions. And not just any ambitions. I wanted to really make it out there. I wanted to be acclaimed and recognized, I wanted people asking and quoting my opinion. I pictured myself as the next Edith Grossman.

Noticed the past tense? Good. Because those ambitions are no more.

After a few years of deluding myself I have finally realised that all those things above will not happen. Why? Why, indeed. Someone believing in destiny or some other form of determinism would probably say it wasn't meant to be. Which really doesn't work for me, because I don't believe in destiny. I believe in cause and effect. Ergo, I must have done something wrong along the way. Perhaps I didn't try enough. Or I did but it didn't work. Or perhaps there is something wrong with my face.

Don't get me wrong - I'm quite content with what I have achieved thus far. I have customers, I make enough money to carry on without counting every single penny and the texts I translate are sometimes quite entertaining. In general, I'm OK.

And therein lies the problem. It's just 'OK'. Nothing more. I know that there are probably dozens of people who would gladly swap places with me and be 'just OK', but that's beside the point. I have put my ambitions aside, yes. I haven't forgotten them, though. Subconsciously, I'm still waiting for something. A breakthrough that would finally put me on the map.

And I'm afraid that's all there is and ever will be - waiting, until one day I realise that my life has all but passed in the general state of OK-ness. Which is not a very happy thought.

Round and round we go...

Remember that flashback I wrote about?

Well, it's no longer a flashback. It's a full-fledged deja vu. However, it's only been 6 mugs of coffee this time and it won't be 4 AM for another 33 minutes, so we're making progress.


Right?

Flashback

It's 4 AM.

Standing on the balcony, watching numbly as the sky slowly turns grey.

Barely noticing that the cigarette is all but smoked down to the filter.

Shivering from the cold of the morning and the exhaustion of 17 hours of non-stop work.

The effect of 9 rather large mugs of coffee slowly wearing out.

Good Lord, how I miss it.

Returning to translation, symptoms of

Even thought my official return to the job will not be for several weeks, my organism has decided to switch back into translator mode.

In other words, my back hurts as hell, my eyes are sore and charmingly bloodshot, and my head is being pounded by a thousand John Bonzo Bonhams on speed.

Welcome back.

The Inevitable Conclusion

As stated above, I'm returning to my profession. The circle is now complete and the inevitable conclusion is as follows:

Once a translator, always a translator.

Sounds a bit Narnian to me, but then again, translators do operate on the border of two or more different worlds.

Out of curiosity, is there anyone actually reading this?

Return of the prodigal son

I have tried not being a translator.

Didn't work.

So as of the middle of February, I'm back in business. Or rather, starting my own. What awaits me is a gargantuan pile of paperwork, close-call skirmishes with bureaucracy and the ever-growing, ever-thirsty Charybdis of taxation.

And you know what?

I already can't wait.

On becoming something else

Due to a number of reasons too dull to be worth mentioning here I 've recently found myself pondering on my future. Particularly my future as a translator. To make my ponderings somewhat organized, I've prepared a list. Here goes:

Why continue translating:

1. I'm not good at anything else. Actually, I'm not very good at that too but at least it's familiar.
2. The crisis is still out there which means that drastic career changes are probably not a very good idea at the moment.
3. Despite all the nights and weekends lost to the job, it still feels pretty cool to see your translation on a bookshelf.
4. I don't think I would be able to become a regular nine-to-five-behind-the-desk kind of employee.

Why abandon translation and pursue something else:

1. Money.
2. Having nights and weekends off.
3. Money.
4. Leaving work at 5 PM on Friday and starting to think about it again on my way back on Monday morning. Yes, I know this is redundant to item 2. Still, it's important.
5. Having some firm ground beneath my feet, understood as permanent employment.
6. Have I already mentioned money?

I'll have to think about it.